"Not even time can heal the wounds of those choosing to stay broken." -Me
I suppose quoting myself to start this off is a bit tacky, but when do I ever let that stop me? It's been months since my last post. That typically means one of two things; Things have been going really great, or I was a bit behind on my Comcast bill and went without the Internet at home for awhile. Let's just say my kids are happy to have the Disney channel back.
As I sit down to begin to write to you today, I'll be honest, I am not one hundred percent sure where this is going to end up. The good news is that is pretty much how I roll anyway. I just know I need to catch you up to speed on a great deal of things and clear the air about a few as well. So let's just dive right in and see what happens shall we?
November 3rd, 2014
Monday. That's a complete sentence and you know it. Monday. Gaaaah I loathe and love you. I was extremely tired that particular Monday and mustered up enough presence of mind to get up and get my kids to school and then come back home to get myself ready. I left for work a bit later than I would have liked, but I stopped to get the mail anyway because I hadn't since maybe the prior Wednesday. I open my box expecting the usual, bills, pizza coupons, and an Audubon Society magazine if I'm lucky. (I am just the coolest). What I wasn't expecting was a letter from the Superior court. I held my breath as I tore open the envelope and slowly pulled out one folded piece of paper. I unfolded the photocopied letter and wasn't sure I really understood it. I read it again. I walked slowly to my car, sat down completely ignoring the bing bing binging of my keys still in the ignition and I read it one last time. There was no mistaking it. I'm divorced. .....Again.
Here's the thing about it, my Ex husband and I have technically been separated now for longer than we were actually cohabiting. This divorce has been a long time coming and has become the butt of a plethora of jokes. (I can't even get divorced right...). The interesting part came when I realized I didn't feel what I thought I would feel. I didn't feel anything at all actually. I didn't feel like laughing, but I didn't feel sad either. I felt single. I'm not talking like Beyonce's single ladies single. I felt single and very, very aware of it. I felt single and unavailable. Single and scarred. Single and damaged. Single in a world where every one of my exes is in a long term relationship, every last one of them. In fact, my ex husband has been with his current girlfriend longer than he was with me. Single in a world where the source of my healing heart break is happily moved on with my replacement from a year ago and I'm here, listening to my car bing at me loudly holding a piece of paper giving me the freedom to start over.
Everything Prior to November 3rd
Frankly, my heart doesn't even like me anymore and I can't say I blame it. The big heart break? Well, much of that should have been avoided. I dragged my precious heart through a war I shouldn't have been fighting for an entire year after the initial break. No wonder it took another year for it to begin to trust me again.
When Mark, we'll call him Mark, walked into my Open House I wasn't looking for romance, I wasn't looking for a man, I wasn't looking for anything but a buyer for the house I was trying to sell. That's probably why I wasn't prepared, my defenses were down, and I was completely vulnerable. Saying I was shut off to the idea of dating around that time would likely be an understatement. I was focused on my kids, my new career, and having a blast with my friends. My heart was still in recovery mode, but I was comfortable. Then he showed up.
I'm not going to get into all the details, but we went from zero to 60 far too quickly and everyone that met him was beyond thrilled for me. Whispers of "Finally," followed me everywhere I went. I was happy. He was exactly what I should have been looking for, that is, if I had been looking, and he found me. It was ridiculous, we even looked like a match. I fell hard and I fell fast. So did he. The kicker--his divorce wasn't final either. I mean it was almost poetic, two people that just totally fit in every way.
What happened between the Sunday night that we decided to make it "official," and the Monday night when he took it all back, ran, and erased me from his life is still unclear. My friends and family listened and speculated with me through hours of tear filled conversations, but I've accepted that I'll never know. What I did know was that I was alone again. I wasn't worth fighting for this time either. I had let my guard down and had my heart stomped on by another man, a good man, a man with a fragile heart of his own, a man I trusted. I cried a lot that week. Tears that weren't just for him, a man I hadn't even known for all that long considering. I cried tears for years of rejection, heart break and betrayal. Tears wondering why I was so easy to move on from. Tears imagining all of my exes with their new significant others, happy. Tears for my kids who constantly feel bad when they have to leave me "all by myself," and worry about me. Tears because I have yet to give my two girls an example of what a healthy relationship should look like and how a woman should be treated. Tears because maybe all I'll ever succeed at is not being married. Pity Party Level: Expert.
Days turned to weeks, and eventually a month went by. I grieved for perhaps what was longer than necessary, but without fully understanding what I was grieving over, I suppose that makes sense. I guess what made it so damn confusing was I hadn't done anything wrong with Mark. I mean, I hadn't even had the chance to subject him to my old lady driving habits for Pete's sake! We hadn't fought over what to watch on TV or where to go for dinner. He hadn't discovered that I wait until the last possible minute to do the laundry and my house is rarely as tidy as it should be. He hadn't tried to get me out of bed when I stayed up all night reading or watched me cry at movies I've seen a hundred times. He didn't know that I steal the covers and have a tendency to snore when I am extremely exhausted. (Now you see why I don't attempt online dating). I couldn't tell you if he hogs the remote or forgets to put the toilet seat down. I didn't know if his Mother would be my arch rival or if his Dad would constantly try to get me to eat meat despite my choices not to. He hadn't tried to change me or placed unreasonable expectations upon me. I mean nothing had gone wrong you know? I could tell you EVERYTHING that went wrong in my last relationship because I spent over a year dissecting it. Same goes for my failed marriage. My analytical mind went crazy, absolutely bonkers. Lack of closure is a rare and unique form of torture.
It took some time, but eventually I realized that sometimes no closure is in fact closure. Think about that for a minute. Sometimes the only closure you get from a situation is "the end." I've since been able to accept that it wasn't him, it wasn't me...maybe the timing was off, maybe he wasn't as healed as he thought, maybe I was being spared and he was really some sort of psychopath that would've harmed me in some way, or maybe what those crazy, hopeless romantics say is true and none of it is relevant because there is someone better. Whatever the case may be, I have the control over how I want to deal with it. I'm choosing to take from it what I can, the good, the bad, and the wonderful.
After a year of living a fairly untrusting and uninterested existence, someone made me care again. I had romance. It had been a really long time since someone had opened my doors, brushed the hair out of my face and danced with me while watching the sunset. It felt like it had been forever since someone had held my hand much less not been able to keep their hands off of me. He lit a fire in me that I thought had maybe permanently burned out. Mark's presence in my life was short lived, but his purpose in my life is permanent. I know what I want, what I need, and what's worth waiting for. I could not have predicted the outcome, but the experience was necessary.
Fast Forward back to my car on November 3rd and I now realize what I was feeling is truly indescribable. I mean there isn't even a Facebook relationship status worthy of whatever my situation is, or isn't for that matter. It took finding and losing Mark, to truly understand and embrace what it means to have a clean slate.
My story is filled with heart aches and heart break, but my past doesn't hold any bearing on my future. The fact that my exes are all moved on and happy with someone else is not a reflection of me. I had to realize that. Everyone heals differently, and some choose not to heal at all and just stuff their issues down and ignore them by filling the void with someone new. My only responsibility is to myself and my heart. As long as I am making positive improvements in my life that is all that matters. I have spent far too long looking backwards trying to find the answers.
November 16th, 2014
I cried while writing this. Not like the tears I cried before. Yes, I'm single. Yes, I'm divorced. Yes, I snore sometimes. But you know what? I survived. I survived heart ache. I survived a failed marriage. I survived men giving up on me. I survived betrayal. I survived. The best part? I'm not broken! I'm really not! When the time is right, and the person is right, I'll love again. If I could love the wrong people as much as I really did, imagine how much I'll love the one that feels the same. The one that stays. Just imagine that... Wow. Now THAT is worth waiting for.
I just hope he's good at laundry....