Embrace the Hurt to Feel Better

"You can close your eyes to the things you don't want to see, but you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel." -Johnny Depp

You've been there, you know the feeling...Hurt, the kind that causes you to drop to your knees, lay on the floor or curl into a ball and weep (or at least wish you could). The world is temporarily upside down and time momentarily stands still. Part of you wants to throw up, the other part is making verbal ultimatums to a higher power swearing off your biggest vices if the pain will just cease. No guys, I'm not talking about a kick in the crotch, I'm talking about internal pain, the kind that leaves invisible scars.   You find yourself doing a quick recap of your life and all the painful moments and trying to put this new pain in it's place, 'Ah yes, it's worse than when good ol' Sparky died, but not quite as bad as when my fiance backed out two days before the wedding.' The scary part is, that first initial sting you feel is only the beginning. I have always sort of envisioned it like being shot with an arrow, that first hit is going to bring some tears, probably a few (several) bad words, but our mind is so powerful and it goes into auto-pilot mode and releases shock and denial as a way to self-protect. If we were forced to really absorbs the hurt from some situations all at once, we might just explode.

Here is where things get messy. Have you ever visited Denialville? It's a large town with nice people, great views, and an abundance of happily-ever-afters. Frankly, it's comfortable. Who wouldn't want to stay here awhile? Denial gives relief from the hurt, and a false sense of hope. So, instead of pressing on through Denialville and pulling out the Arrow of Hurt, we hang out here for awhile. We take a few strolls down Memory Lane, toss a few pennies in the Fountain of What Should Have Been and drive up to the Wishful Thinking Lookout-what a view! The time we spend here varies by person and circumstance. I personally have a frequent visitor punch card to the What If Cafe. There are several problems with Denialville, but the biggest one is simply that while you are there visiting, the rest of the world continues to go on as normal. School, work, family, friends, life, it all just keeps moving forward. Then, by the time you decide to leave Denialville, you are playing catch up. So my advice? Familiarize yourself with what denial sounds and looks like, and drive right on through. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

So now what? It's time for the Arrow of Hurt to be removed. This is the moment where it's time to embrace the hurt. You have to look yourself in the mirror and be honest with yourself. Yup, this is gonna hurt, yup, this is gonna leave a scar, yup, my life is going to be altered right here, right now because of this hurt. Really understand what I'm saying, when this moment of debilitating pain lessens and you can again think clearly, you will not be the same person you were before you were shot down in a blaze of glory. Change is inevitable, it's what happens when something gets broken. Ready to yank on that Arrow? No you say? Ah yes, silly me, I forgot that ginormous Straightjacket of Fear that we pull out of the closet so frequently. Do you even realize how hard it is to coordinate an outfit around that hideous thing?!

The only thing more paralyzing than heartache is fear. I don't want to go too deeply into this because Fear is a subject worthy of it's own blog or 10. There is just simply so much that we are afraid of that we don't even realize. However, in regards to the arrow removal, the overwhelming fear isn't the pain itself, it's the unknown. We like security, comfort, and familiarity. Thoughts like, 'how will I live without this person,' cause us to wonder and worry about our future and force us to focus on the uncomfortable. Fact of the matter is I can't tell you how you will live without that person, I can just assure you that you can. YANK AWAY!

So now you've got Denialville in the rearview mirror and fear is that splatter of bug guts on the windshield. Turn on the wipers and take a look out into the unknown. Focus on your dreams, goals, and the things that give your life meaning and embrace the hurt. Throw the arrow out the window (the only time I will give you permission to litter), and allow yourself to feel. Feel the hurt, the betrayal, the heartache, even the fear....allow it to happen, accept that it's a process. The Arrow of Hurt has been removed, but those stitches take some time to heal. Can I give you a little bright side? You will be well on your way to nearly good as new while most people are still crashing at the Extended Stay in Denialville.

I can't tell you how long the hurt will stay, how long it will take until food tastes good again, or how long it will take until you look in the mirror and believe it when you tell yourself you are going to be ok. What I can tell you is that hurt is healthy, feeling is normal, and pain is temporary and you will be ok. Absolutely, without a doubt you will be ok. Keep saying it until it is your truth. Eventually the day will come where your hurt will be able to help someone else through theirs, and that is a beautiful thing.

"If there is no struggle, there is no progress." -Frederick Douglass

Decide; Taking Desire to the Next Level pt 1

“Everything you want is out there waiting for you to ask. Everything you want also wants you. But you have to take action to get it.”
― Jack Canfield

“What's the world's greatest lie? It's that at a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate."
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

Deciding...


This is a topic that is close to my heart, (in theory, I suppose that could be said about the majority of what I write, but trust me, this one is special). You see there have been many times in my life where I felt powerless, stuck, and that joke of a light was so far down the end of the tunnel I'd have to hitchhike to get there. Somehow or another I made it through all of those low moments and I have become a better, stronger person because of them. You wanna know the secret of how I did it? I took the first step.

I suppose that's not a very big secret is it? Yet, at the same time that first step can seem like such giant leap. I always picture that scene from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade when Indy is standing on the edge of nothingness looking at an impossible gap between where he is and where he needs to get. "Only in the leap from the lion's head will he prove his worth....Impossible," he says, "No one can jump this." He pauses, "It's a leap of faith." Then he sticks his leg out in dramatic fashion and lets go and allows himself to fall forward. Thankfully there is that convenient invisible path that leads across to the other side, but the point is, he didn't know that.

It is absolutely impossible for us to know the outcome before we take that leap of faith, but it is a certainty that we can't reach the outcome if we never take the first step. You know how much I like talking about myself so I figured I'd expand on a subject I briefly touched on in a previous blog(This one) to explain my process of taking a desire, and deciding to make it a reality.

Back story- my family on my dad's side is of the athletic build and my father and grandfather both played in the NFL. My mom was a beautiful, super thin cheerleader. I was built like my dad, minus the height, so I'm 5'6" with large hands, feet, and muscular thighs. I remember my first thoughts of thinking I was fat happened in elementary school when I noticed my legs were much thicker than most of the other girls. Thus began my insecure feelings, and an overactive "I'm fat and that's that" mentality. High school was the worst, I was on the tennis team, which meant short skirts and those ridiculous bundies that covered your underwear while cutting off your circulation. From my recollection, I didn't have a speck of cellulite, but I knew I would've traded my larger smooth legs for any of the girls with the thin ones despite any imperfections. Next came graduation and my first job, I like to think of it as an upscale burger joint. Thanks to two years of free burgers every time I worked, and being in a relationship with a partner who was obese, the pounds slowly piled on. I did more diets than I care to count, took every new quick fix pill there was, had gym memberships that went unused, and never lost more than 5-10 pounds at a time, which always came right back in half the time it took to get them off. You see, I had the desire to be thin, but I didn't decide to be thin. To give you an idea, I was probably about 150-155 in high school, and easily acquired an extra 30 pounds before I met the man that gave me my children. When I got pregnant with my first child I was 187 at my first Dr visit. Two weeks after the birth of my second child I was pushing 230. I was miserable, no beyond miserable. I was a stay at home mom at the time and would always see the nutrisystem infomercials. Finally I convinced my ex-husband to let me try it. I owe the first 30 pounds to their plan and system, after that I got burned out and lacked motivation. I could fit into many of my pre-pregnancy clothes and I lingered in that zone for over a year. My marriage had been falling apart before the birth of my second child and my depression wasn't helping. I knew some of it could be attributed to my weight, so I started buying some books. Many different kinds, everything by Jillian Michaels, different diet books, and even some magazines. I started forming ideas of which parts of what diets might be do-able for me. One of the books I read was all about veganism, now it was asking too much for me to give up cheese and chocolate, but I thought if I could really boost my weight loss by cutting out meat for awhile I could live with that. I remember the night I decided as if it was yesterday. My ex-husband and I had our neighbors over for pizza, as I was eating the giant slice of pepperoni I mentioned at the table that I was considering giving up meat. My neighbor gave me 3 weeks, his wife gave me a month and then my ex-husband said, "Joc, you won't make it through the first week." BAM! I have this saying I came up with years ago and it goes like this, "Tell me I can't and you'll be the first person I tell when I do." Right then I decided. I decided to prove them wrong, I decided to follow through, I decided I was ready to be thin and healthy, and I decided to begin immediately.

I'm not going to walk you through the entire process, neither of us have that kind of time, but I'm going to give you a highlight reel of sorts. I was too fat to go to the gym, (how's that for logic eh?) so I knew I had to do the first few phases on my own. I counted and tracked everything that went into my mouth. (Get your mind out of the gutter). I bought workout clothes and running shoes. Now, I should tell you, I didn't run. I hated it, in fact I was the girl in high school that flirted with the PE teacher to get out of running the mile. However, Jillian Michaels said run, I said how far. I remember my first run, I had my headphones in, I was super pumped, stretched out and made it around the corner before I wanted to die. I made it down the street and my sides felt like someone was trying to tear me in half. I called my dad almost in tears, surely he would know what to do, "Dad, I have a side ache in both sides, I want to die, I'm trying so hard, what can I do to get rid of these side aches?!"

"Joc, here's what you do, you scream, shout and holler, and keep going." So I did. I threw up twice in one mile, sweat like a pig, cried like a baby, and kept going. I made it home and collapsed, but guess what....I went back out two days later, and a few days after that. Before I knew it I was jogging 3-4 miles like I had been running forever. I also invested in some Jillian DVD's, (30-day Shred for starters) and that really helped keep my enthusiasm up. Here's the best part, I didn't quit. I kept running like Forrest Gump until I reached my goal of 150, and then something strange happened, I realized I wasn't done yet. I had a system and it was working, and what if this time I could be in the best shape of my life? What if I could look better at 26 than I did at 16? I decided to find out. Today I am sitting here at a comfortable 137, and have been a bit lazy lately. But I have stayed pretty much within 10 pounds of my best weight since I lost it.

Here's the risky thing about choosing to decide....once you make that decision and attain your goal you have to maintain it. I'd be lying if I said staying at this weight has been a piece of cake for the past 4 years. (Mmmmm cake) However, I've been through a divorce, two break-ups, one heart break, and have been in a non-stop financial struggle with cars that are out to get me, and although I have my weak moments where I want to stuff my face, I can assure you I won't ever be the old me again. Why? Because I fought too hard to get here, and now, I've decided to stay here. I often joke and tell people that I have getting-fat-again-phobia, and truthfully, I do. However, fear isn't enough to prevent me from doing something, but deciding not to is.

So what is it you desire? Do you want it enough to decide to take that leap of faith and make it happen? You are the only person that can take the necessary actions to achieve your goals. No one is going to hold your hand. Jillian Michaels wasn't running next to me yelling at me to keep going, I was talking myself through it. I truly believe if you want something enough and decide to make it happen, you will get there. Do you remember where you were sitting when you decided? Where are you sitting now.....

Nature v Habit; Unlearning for Your Own Good

"What we call human nature is actually human habit." -Jewel Kilcher
~and~
"The first problem for all of us is not to learn, but to unlearn." -Gloria Steinem

Let's consider the first quote first, after all I typed them that way for a reason. To me, human nature has become nothing more than an excuse for bad behavior. It's defined as "The general psychological characteristics, feelings, and behavioral traits of humankind, regarded as shared by all humans." Consider then, this implies a characteristic of human nature is something everyone has. Everyone. If you really think about that for a moment, it seriously narrows down what characteristics can actually be put under the category of "nature." That leaves everything else to fall in the category of habit, and habits, albeit seemingly constant, are not necessarily permanent, nor are they the same for all individuals. Let me pause for a moment and tell you the story that sparked this blog topic.

If you've read my previous blogs, you would have read about an unfortunate occurrence that happened to me last month. The Veruca Syndrome was about myself, the victim, having my belongings stolen from me just before Christmas. This situation put me in a financial hole that snowballed into me not being able to get my family anything for Christmas, my phone being turned off, and unable to pay my rent, I was nearly evicted. Thankfully, I sit here today still in my apartment, my phone has been turned back on, and my family still loves me. But, I have to tell you, it took a non-stop conscious effort for me to avoid bitterness. Truthfully, I couldn't avoid it all the time, it crept up on me in weak moments and would strike when I least expected. There's the background, here's the story....All of this lack of money had its effects on my toilet paper supply, somehow, that is the first thing I run out of when I'm broke. So last weekend I stop in at a Starbucks, (I had a gift card ha) it was around 8:30pm and the four employees were busy working on everything unless it pertained to a customer. The lady in front of me ordered her coffee, and the girl that took her order proceeded to hand brew the drip coffee because the pots had all already been washed. The lady had already paid and stepped aside. I stood at the register for exactly 5 minutes before the girl even turned around to greet me. When she took my order and I told her I also wanted a regular coffee, she was clearly irritated and said, "Well, it's going to take five minutes at least." I agreed to wait and paid. She made my coffee the same way and ignored the gentleman that had been waiting behind me in the exact same manner she had done with me. (Meanwhile the other employees were still busy washing, cleaning, and who knows what else.) At last I get my coffee, I take off the lid to examine the coffee to soy ratio and there's hardly any soy milk at all. I get the attention of one of the guys working and ask for more soy, the girl who took my order hears me from the register and yells down, "I put the soy on the bottom, it's in there, you just need to stir it." I smile to the guy, and politely ask him to dump out a little of the coffee and add some more soy. The girl leaves the register (and the customer she is helping), takes the cup from him stirs it and says, "See, I told you that you just needed to stir it." I was floored. Did that just happen? I look at her, then at the guy and said, "Please add more." He awkwardly takes the cup, adds more and hands it to me without a word. I wanted to throw the cup in her face, to be honest I didn't even want it anymore, i just wanted to exit the premises as quickly as possible, but all this time in there and I had to use the restroom. I go into the first stall and as I'm sitting my elbow hits the toilet paper holder, it wasn't locked! One full roll sitting on top and two brand new rolls in the holder...unlocked! (I guess the other employees were stocking the restrooms and cleaning.) I look at my purse and think, "surely I could fit at least two rolls in there, these people treated me like shit, I waited 10 minutes for a cup of drip coffee and then got humiliated by someone whose paycheck I helped provide. I have been stolen from, I'm broke, and I need toilet paper. I deserve this." As soon as thought those last three words, it was like I mentally slapped myself in the face. I stared long and hard in the mirror as I washed my hands, almost embarrassed that I had even had the thought in the first place. I took my coffee, smiled at the girl as I left, and climbed into my car, disappointed in my self and toilet paperless.

I spent several days thinking about this topic after my Starbucks fiasco. (Side Note-I do not hold Starbucks liable for the behavior of one employee-but I also won't be stopping at the Starbucks in *cough cough* Kettleman City *cough cough* anymore....*cough*). I tried really hard to wrap my head around what would make me even consider stealing after just having been stolen from, and then I realized, that was the answer. That right there is how it starts...and that my friends is not human nature, THAT is human habit, a vicious little guy I like to call entitlement. "I deserve this." Put yourself in my shoes, would you have felt entitled to the toilet paper in question? If so, don't worry, there's still hope for you, that's where the unlearning comes into play. Trust me, I wanted the toilet paper, and the friends that visit my apartment wish I would've taken it, but as the saying goes, two wrongs don't make a right. Entitlement "issues" come in all forms, how we act or treat people, how we spend money, they way we view the world etc. Ok, so now we know the problem, where's the solution?

Awareness. That's really the solution to so many issues. I guess I'm one of those crazy naive people that still likes to believe that humans as majority are good at heart. (The two guys that stole all my shit are not included in that majority, obviously). If you are in the majority, congratulations, and thank you. It doesn't mean that for those of us who try to be good that negative thoughts don't pop into our heads, (remember, I was two seconds away from Grand Theft TP,) it just means that when those thoughts arise, we have to be aware of them and make a conscious effort to push them aside. Unlearn the urge to feel entitled to anything. Just think of how much more grateful we will be for even the little things, because with entitlement out the window, every positive thing in life becomes a blessing. Let's be honest, feeling blessed is a wonderful habit.

Damn Regret....and Resolution Conflicts

“Eventually something you love is going to be taken away. And then you will fall to the floor crying. And then, however much later, it is finally happening to you: you’re falling to the floor crying thinking, “I am falling to the floor crying,” but there’s an element of the ridiculous to it — you knew it would happen and, even worse, while you’re on the floor crying you look at the place where the wall meets the floor and you realize you didn’t paint it very well.”

― Richard Siken

Oh the clarity that comes with a new year. December 31st is a huge production and we get sloshed out of our minds, whine over our years worth of misfortunes and screw ups and make a ton of empty promises of all the things we want to change and accomplish the coming year. When in fact, January 1st is nothing more than the day after December 31st. The clock doesn't reset when the ball drops, time just goes on, and so does life, one day after another.

I don't know what's worse, the false hopes and promises we make for ourselves, (I'm going to drink less and work out more. I'm going to spend more time on myself. I'm going to get up earlier and work harder. Diets. Diets. Diets. Or the one that seems to be "trending," I will fall in love this year-as if that's something we need to strategize for). Or perhaps the way we look at the past year and are overcome with regrets. Since I like to end on a positive note, I will begin with regrets. The "Why Didn't I's" and the "What If's" and the doozy, "How Could I Have Been So Dumb." Am I close? Sound familiar? Of course it does. If we sat here and I told you all of the things I should regret you would beg Mike Tyson to chew your ear off before I could finish. The truth is I have chosen to not live that way. That doesn't mean I don't occasionally look back and wish I would have made different decisions! Hell ya I wish I would have made different decisions. However, that is not the same as having regrets. "Regrets, I've had a few, But then again, too few to mention, I did what I had to do..." -Frank Sinatra, My Way. That sums up how I look at my so-called mishaps. Some of my biggest downfalls have come when I found myself in between a rock and a hard place and I did what I had to do. Guess what....it wasn't always a bad thing. You see, had I taken one different step, returned one less phone call, stayed at a job, left a job, went to college after graduating, didn't kiss that boy, or would've kissed a different one, I wouldn't be here, right now where I am. I have to believe I am here in this place in life, with what I have and what I lack, for a reason. I may have momentarily wondered to myself, 'How could I have been so dumb!' but I never get comfortable there. It's like I said in my first blog entry,  "I may not be able to tell you what to do in all situations, but more than likely, I can tell you what not to do."  That is the very reason so many of my friends and/or family still come to me seeking relationship advice. I had an ex get irritated that my friends would call with their relationship issues, so irritated that one night he said, "Why would they call you for advice, you've been divorced twice and well, how about the rest of your track record." I thought about it for a moment and realized it's because I've screwed up in almost every way possible, I can at least prevent them from doing things I've done. So, on December 31st, while the world was thinking of their regrets, I was thinking, "Thank God I got all that crap out of the way, what's next!" I recommend giving that a whirl. Now...as for the future....

Happy New Year! Let's all get skinny and healthy and happy and rich! Sounds good right? Sure. If it were that easy our country wouldn't be in the middle of an obesity crisis, and our economy wouldn't be in the pooper. I will start by telling you right now, I don't make New Years Resolutions. I make along the way resolutions. I was overweight when I met my second husband, and fell off the rocker (or broke it) after having two babies. In 2007 I weighed in at a whopping 230 something pounds. I have news for you, I didn't spend December 31st 2008 joining the gym, weight watchers and on hold with 1-800-29Jenny, what for, I had dieted several times, got to a comfortable 180-190 and if my jeans zipped it was whatever. I woke up in April 2008 and decided. That's the key word-DECIDED! I decided to make a change. I educated myself, found what worked for me, (more about this later), and did it. I currently weigh about 135, (130 if you see my Driver's License-don't act like you don't do that shit), and I make the decision daily to stay this way. Ryan Seacrest, midnight on January 1st, and an enormous sparkly ball had nothing to do with it. So what's my point in all this? Stop waiting for a new year to better yourself, and don't set goals that are so unrealistic you'll kill yourself trying to achieve them. I didn't wake up in 30 days with all that weight just miraculously gone. I had to work at it constantly for almost a year, and truthfully, I still work on it now. That is the real world. You want success? Educate yourself. You want to be skinny? Educate yourself. You want to be happy? Educate yourself. You want ---Fill____in___the____blank____---? Educate yourself!! Then put it into action. Now, today, tomorrow, next week, until you make it happen. No one is going to do it for you! Money will never grow on trees, brownies will always have calories, and happiness is a choice.

If you don't believe me, test the waters. Make your silly New Years Resolutions, but instead let's call them goals. Then make daily goals, weekly goals and so on. Call it whatever you want, but I can assure you, if you limit yourself to "What I want out of the year 2013," you and I will both be disappointed. And as for the box you've labelled "Regrets of 2012," I invite you to shove that sucker under your bed with the missing sock partners and God knows what else and forget about it. Let's spend a little less time looking back, and more time moving forward. You are where you are right now because of your failures and your achievements, embrace it, and strive for more. I am a huge Jillian Michaels advocate, and own most of her DVD's, but in one of my favorites she says, "You are capable of so much more than you even imagine," and I hear those words in my head all the time. We are capable of more than regrets and resolutions. We are capable of achieving the success we value most. The moment you start believing that is the moment things will start to change.

PS: Happy New Year ;)

If it's Not Broke Part 2

“Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.” 

― Khalil Gibran

   So, now what? Only a few days ago your life made perfect sense and now your insides are void of positive human emotions and your freezer is full of ice cream. Oh and to make matters worse, your heart has begun a full fledged game of the "What If's?" What if I could go back and make things a little easier? What if I had started working out? What if I had tried harder to please him/her? You think Cher is the only person that's ever wanted to turn back time? Not likely. My bruised/broken heart is the what if master! The worst part is when you pitch a tent in Denialville actually believing there is something you can undo. Holy shit we torture ourselves don't we?! For the purpose of what? Hope. The relationships that I fought for the hardest killed me the most because they dragged out so long. Why? Hope. When I walked away from my second marriage my heart hurt for my children, but it didn't break from the loss of the relationship, simply because for me, at the point we had arrived at, there was no more hope. We can't help but play what if when the person leaves us with a glimmer of hope, even if it's manifested in our own minds. That's the worst kind, false hope.
       
     Having hope is just a way of self-protecting. If we grant ourselves even the smallest glimmer of hope we prevent ourselves from having to completely absorb the hurt from the new break or bruise. In other words, we are just delaying the inevitable. What we don't realize is we are torturing ourselves just as much but putting ourselves through this false reality and battling with our own feelings of rejection. All these things are just human nature.

    With that being said, how do we speed up the process? You're not going to like it as much as I hate admitting it. You learn to let go, accept the heartache, absorb the pain and disappointment, and move forward. Now I don't expect miracles, so I say allowing yourself 24-72 of crying in the shower and consuming ridiculous amounts of Ben and Jerry's is acceptable. Avoid alcohol during the first few days, I shouldn't even have to give you all the reasons why. Take Foolish Games, Baby Come Back, and You'll Think of Me off of your playlist and add some upbeat motivating music. My playlist always varies as my taste changes but it has always had Stronger by Britney Spears, start there if you're lost for ideas. (Yes, I said Britney bitch).  Next, stop starting at your phone waiting for a text or phone call to fix it all, guess what, it's not coming. Get moving! Preferably outdoors, walk, run, jog, ride, something somewhere...

     You want the good news or the bad news? Well, you're getting both. The bad news is this probably isn't the last time you or I will hurt like this, that would be too easy. The good news is it gets better. Thoughts of taking your toaster in the bath will soon change into plans to better yourself. How do I know this? I have been used, abused, bruised and broken and some of the best things in my life have come out of these situations. Goals seem attainable, dreams seem just close enough to reach, and creativity has no limits. People tell me so often that I am the strongest person they've ever met and most of them know less than half of what I've been through. You know what? I laugh to myself when they tell me that, simply because very few see me at my low moments. What they see is when I wake up and realize life goes on.

      What I know is this, bad things will continue to happen, but so will good things. This is life. Roll with it. Accept it. Somehow, learn to embrace it. There will be moments when the world will seem very black and white, but don't close your eyes before the color returns, and it always does. I promise this Dorothy has always found her way back to OZ.

To Be Continued....(likely infinitely)

      

The Veruca Syndrome-I want it NOW!!!

"I want the world. I want the whole world. I want to lock it all up in my pocket. It's my bar of chocolate. Give it to me now." -Veruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Don't we all get infected with this feeling from time to time? I'm calling it the Veruca Syndrome, and it's a nasty one. You see it comes in all form and many different levels of intensity. It can be over material things, actions we expect from others, or in the worst cases it's simply feeling like you want it all which can be intensified by the impression that you deserve it. The Veruca Syndrome is ugly and very real and unfortunately it's my belief that we all suffer from it. Definition: Selfishness.

Before you get your panties in a bunch and get defensive allow me to elaborate. I am certainly not implying that if we all suffer from the Veruca Syndrome that we are incapable of doing selfless deeds, I am aware that people everywhere are doing extremely selfless things on a daily basis and that is a beautiful thing, however I am fully confident that as human beings it is undeniable that we are born selfish and it takes more effort to overcome selfish feelings and instincts than almost any other negative emotion or action out there. We are born dependent on others for our survival and that is the beginning of it all. Now I'm left having to explain to my 7 year old why she can't have an iPhone even though some kids in her class do. (While I am picturing some little Veruca out there batting her eyelashes at her daddy saying, "I want one daddy, now!" Sucker.) 

So what sparked my desire to write on this topic? Over the weekend I went to visit a friend out of town, in my sisters car which gets far better gas mileage than my POS (and also has a bumper that is properly attached AND power steering to boot!). It was cold and rainy and we were out running errands and he mentioned that a friend of his had lost his car keys in the park. Hushing the Veruca voice in the back of our heads telling us to stay warm and dry, we drove out to the park in search of his friends keys. We parked on the outskirts where they had been days before, and there was only one other truck there. I briefly glance over and see the cab of the truck is filled with questionable smoke-like substance, but my gut says don't look, if you leave them alone they'll leave you alone. We leave the car and walk around the large shrubbery to the clearing and begin looking. As mentioned it was misty and raining, so I left my $400 purse (from the days when I had money haha) and my iPhone in the car so it wouldn't get ruined. We were never farther that 30 yards from the car and walked around for ten minutes. We heard a loud noise resembling gun shots or a car backfire and waited a minute or two before heading back to the car. The scene we arrived upon was nothing short of devastating, a completely shattered passenger window, and all of my things gone in 60 seconds. Including the cash in my wallet that I had just been paid that was meant for Christmas presents for my family and my two little girls. Sucker punch to the heart. 

Do you think the two guys knew for a minute that they were stealing from a single mom sometimes barely getting by, currently with $20 in the bank, a car that runs on hopes and dreams, and no gifts for her children for Christmas? No. What's worse, do you think they even cared? No! The Veruca voice was so loud in their stoned little heads that all they cared about was the fact that they wanted it, NOW. It's been almost 4 days and they haven't been caught yet, although the authorities do have their pictures from Walmart where they attempted to use my debit card to the tune of $300, haha I wish I had that much in there. I'm beginning to accept the fact that more than likely they won't be caught, nor held accountable for their actions and I am left picking up the pieces and realizing we live in a world of Verucas and its going to get worse. 

I don't need to describe all of the emotions I am feeling because chances are you have experienced something like this, we have all had things taken from us. I don't have a solution, I am 30 years old with a grand total of 6 college units from a Political Science and photography class. I can't save the world, none of us can. I have spent the last 48 hours forcing myself to not be bitter, reminding myself that things will work themselves out, that even with so much taken from me I still have so much more. This message isn't for the purpose of venting or whining over my recent misfortune at all. This is a plea to all who will read it. For victims affected by some Veruca out there, don't allow yourself to be hardened, don't look at your misfortune as an excuse to act similarly with others now feeling like you are entitled to it. Do the opposite. My friend graciously gave me $40 so I wouldn't have to drive home with no money and the first thing I did after getting a cup of gas station coffee for the drive was give $2 to the first homeless person I saw on a corner. Why? Not so I could sit here and tell you about it. Not even close. I did it so I could remind myself that I never want to be infected with a full case of Veruca. I never want to get so bitter that I forget that others have it worse. I will choose to keep giving and keep believing that for every bad case of Verucaitice there is someone like myself out there fighting the disease. Fight with me. Gandhi said, "Be the change you want to see in the world." So be it. I'll end with one of my favorite anonymous quotes that I try and live by daily, "Practice random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty."