Sorry, He's Not Sorry

"There may not be an easy or right way to break up with someone, but there has to be a better way than that." -Me

Let's face it, I made that quote up right before typing it. However, I'd also be lying if I said that this is the first time I've thought it. I've been the dumpee and the dumper, both suck. I can at least say for myself I've never dumped anyone in a text message nor over the phone. So, you can imagine my surprise upon receiving this text on Monday. Now, for the backstory...

BACKSTORY:

We met at a bar. 

I wish a had a dollar for every time that works out. In my case it would be a whoppin $0. It was sometime during the end of summer, on a Friday night. We talked for awhile, laughed a lot, and he finally asked for my number. He mentioned being gone all weekend but that I would hear from him before Sunday at 8pm. Sure enough I received a text at 7:47 that Sunday night, but as fate would have it, my response sometime around 10 pm would leave him to believe I was uninterested and he backed off. For the first time.

Over the course of the next several months a lot of things happened in my life, most of which were positive and I spent most of my kid-less nights out enjoying my friends, music, and beer. Throughout those fun-filled evenings every so often I would run into Rhymeswithhustle. By every so often, I mean quite often, considering it was at a variety of places all over town. On those evenings one of us would send a text from across the room accusing the other one of following us around, maybe a little small talk or a mini joke but, that was about it. 

In November, I was talking to one of my best, most trusted, and most respected male friends, we'll call him Marty, who is also single and has been struggling through the dating journey with minimal effort, not unlike myself.  We are great at holding each other accountable and one night during one of my, "I know I don't need a man but, sometimes I'd like someone else to fix my car when it takes a shit, or take the trash out for me, or just someone to hold me on the couch" rants, he called me out. I don't remember his exact words, but it was to the tune of, "We both frequently complain about our single situations, but honestly, what are we doing about it?" I didn't answer the question. I didn't have to. We both knew the answer. Neither of us were going to find our happily ever afters scrolling through Tinder sending each other screenshots of all of the horribly hilarious things we find. I fell asleep that night knowing I needed change.

Change:

40 days of dating.

That was my idea. For the next 40 days I would stop postponing it, stop avoiding it, and put myself out there. I knew I was ready for a relationship, that wasn't in question. I just honestly despise dating. I told my friend my idea and he basically gave me the two thumbs up. I didn't waste any time. Within my first two weeks of dating I ran into Rhymeswithhustle twice and after the second time he finally asked me to lunch.

40 days of dating quickly transformed into 40 days of dating Rhymeswithhustle exclusively. We hit it off and it really felt easy and natural. Both of our friends threatened to kill the other person if we hurt them and everything was progressing nicely. He wasn't what I would call the super romantic type, not even close, but one night he took a Lyft ride across town after 2 in the morning after we had been talking on the phone for hours just to kiss me goodnight. (He took a Lyft because he had a few drinks and I'm strongly opposed to drinking and driving). We just were really kinda crazy happy for a bit.

I have a nasty habit of rushing things along quickly and I can say honestly, most of the rushing and future talk was not done by me. In fact, I did very little if any at all. I was plenty pleased with how things were in the moment. On the other hand, he was not afraid to tell me exactly how he felt and he did quite often, and I bought everything he sold. Such as:

Now, I don't consider myself easily fooled, nor would I call him capable of being charming (or using the proper "you're" all the time), so how he went from sending texts like those to the BS last text I received in less than two weeks is beyond me. I suppose it isn't even relevant to be honest. In fact, the true point of this blog is what set me off the most, and that is the sheer lack of respect.

I would also like to make mention of a few things that add insult to injury. The week before receiving this text, I helped the man move truckloads of his shit twice and he had been on a family vacation in Cabo for three days when he sent me that text and we had been communicating each day he was gone--just to reiterate my justified and utter shock about it all. On another note, I have never been dumped internationally before, so that's neat. But as my dear friend and writer of The Klonopin Chronicles so eloquently put it, he would rather go through customs than dump me face to face. (As you could imagine our conversation led to daydreams of unexpected cavity searches, thanks Klonnie). 

There's No Other Way to Put This:

Really?

After sending out a screenshot of the Dumptext to the few who knew and would care, so many things began to stand out to me: "Sorry" in the same text 3 times, (ok fine, I noticed "your" instead of "you're" first. Ugh), and then I pondered over the fact that the most recent ex I knew of was from 3 years ago, but the part that struck the biggest nerve was "there's no other way to put this." 

I mean think about that, there isn't? Really? When that really began pissing me off I sent the Dumptext to Marty and as I was sending my wheels were turning. Perhaps a blog was in order? Initially I was going to go the humorous route and list off "51 other ways to put this." Marty gave me a super awesome #1 "Sorry you're amazing but I'm a selfish f#cked up human being that is a glutton for punishment so I'm going to screw you over to make a mistake. Bye."

I mean consider that, I'd have preferred that and it would have been more honest. He was going to be back in town in a few days, doing it in person wasn't out of the question. Don't even get me started on the fact that at the very least he could have called.

When I started this blog today, I knew it wasn't going to end up being a list of 51 better ways to break-up with someone, but I still felt that this was something worth sharing. Primarily, because that is just NOT how people should be treated. I deserved to be treated better, with respect and consideration, and at the very least I deserved the truth. Especially since I'm "cool as f#ck" and all.  (Oh ya, I'm not buyin what he's selling anymore just for the record, but if you happen to be in the market for a load of crap, he's got plenty).

The best part of all of this, I have a serious history of letting heart bumps, bruises, and breaks to really do a number on me. As crazy as I was about this guy for a bit, he accounts for no more than 10 minutes of tears on my part. I mean, I even surprised myself. I was seriously too pissed off and felt so disrespected to be sad, and it's been almost a week and that hasn't changed. I guess it's also hard to feel sad when you realize you got out of something that would have hurt a lot more later on. Hindsight is always a fun game too. How I ever thought I could date someone that uses "u" not "you" is beyond me, and that's just the tip of the iceberg. 

Now What:

I have no idea.

 I just know what isn't in my future. I won't be with someone who thinks this is ok:

 

That was our final communication. Ever, as far as I'm concerned. I mean, I know how awesome I am, and I certainly don't have time to fool around with people that don't right? ;) 

Ok, enough with the confidence. After all, I haven't always been this strong. In fact, I've never been this strong. If you've read my other posts then you know that to be true. I'm a masochist at heart. I think I just got tired of it. The sleepless nights, wasted tears, and countless beers. Enough is enough. What I discovered was raising my standards wasn't enough, because well, people have this horrible habit of deceiving each other. It had to come from within. People are going to let me down, guys are going to break my heart, and I'll likely never be a morning person. I made the choice to do things differently this time. This time I know exactly what I want, what I need, and most of all what I deserve and I won't settle for anything less. If someone is willing to walk away from me than I don't want them anyway.

 

The Wrap-Up:

Never Settle.

 

That's the mindset you need to have. Break-ups will hurt unlike any other pain we experience. They will suck the wind and life out of you. Hurt is unavoidable, but as I always say, suffering isn't. We alone determine the length of our suffering. We have as many options of ways we can deal with being dumped as Rhymeswithhustle had other ways to "put this." (What about, "I didn't realize it until I was drunk in Mexico, but I'm not over my ex and as amazing as you are it isn't right for me to drag you into my mess.") Ya, that would have better as well. Whatever. The point is I didn't stay in bed, I didn't stuff my face with ice cream, nor did I drown myself with booze while watching He's Just Not that into You. I got up the next morning and made my coffee, took a shower, and went through my day just like any other. 

 

The interesting thing about all of it is that I noticed there was an internal struggle that occurred in some moments. It was almost as if my brain was whispering to me, "here is where you get sad Jocelyn. Now is when you are supposed to cry." My habits were so blatantly obvious to me immediately. I had to fight them off and realize I wasn't sad, I truly wasn't. At least not about the loss of him. He served his purpose in my life and I thank him for that. The end. This is the beginning of change for me. Here is where I don't get sad. Here is where I create new habits, healthier habits and a more positive future. I couldn't be more stoked. So stoked in fact that the only word I could come up with to describe it is stoked. How do you like them apples?

 

Normally I don't put people on blast, you know that. I'm fairly respectful if you ask me. However, in this case, I felt I owed Rhymeswithhustle the same level of respect he bestowed upon me. Hence the zero hesitation when it came to posting his texts. Believe me, I could have done a LOT worse, that's just not my style. I just wanted to throw that out there.

 

I hope that something I've said helps you get through a bullshit break-up. This was seriously only about a 1.4 on the break-up Richter scale, I've survived much worse. I really just didn't want to pass up an opportunity to express my excitement about the positive changes in my life. I think brighter days are coming. I mean, he set the bar so low that I can only go up from here anyway. HA. I also feel super bad for him if he runs into me while a few of my friends are around. I mean, they warned him right? I'm only kidding, I don't wish him any ill will. After all, getting back with an ex is inevitably punishment enough. (Because it worked out so well the last time, I can see why you'd want to give it another shot. You just walked into a bull fighting ring with a red t-shirt on my friend. Good luck and may the force be with you).

 

Remember that another person's opinion of you doesn't define your worth. Their actions only define who they really are. I hope this year brings new and positive changes for you as well, and that the assholes don't bring you down. Much love friends.  

 

         

Breaking the Habit to Fix What's Broken

"I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean

I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight"

-Linkin Park

This is likely going to be one of my most personal blog posts to date. Don't get me wrong, all of my words are honest and from the heart always, but this one is more of a declaration in regards to my future as opposed to an understanding about my past. That being said, let's do this thing. 

Habit:

1. regularly repeated behavior pattern:an action or pattern of behavior that is repeated so often that it becomes typical of somebody, although he or she may be unaware of it
2. attitude:somebody's attitude or general disposition

We all have them, big ones and small ones, good ones and bad ones, they are present in all of us. I am truly a creature of habit...if I spent a day of "awareness" and tried to document all of mine, I think I'd even surprise myself. Just off the top of my head I can tell you that every time I get in the car I do the exact same things:

-Puts purse on passenger seat

-Starts the car

-Puts on seatbelt

-Plugs phone into car charger

-Adjusts radio/music until I find something suitable

-Then and only then do I proceed to put my car in reverse

I do these exact things every time without fail, whether I'm running late or just heading to the market. Habits. It's as if I couldn't operate my vehicle without performing these few steps, and honestly it would feel extremely wrong if I tried to do so. 

Obviously I didn't decide to write this blog because I'm concerned with my pre-driving routine. I like it. It's comfortable. It's not hurting anyone so stop your judging! (Ha) I decided to write this blog because it has become painfully obvious to me that I have a few much more serious habits that have altered my life in ways that I'm not necessarily proud of, and that typically leave me sad and disappointed. My hope is that maybe you will recognize some of these behaviors in yourself that you may not have been aware of, and that in some way your quality of life will improve. (That's always my goal- JFox's Mission Impossible: Save the Brokenhearted World). This isn't going to be easy for me, as typically I write about things that have been done TO me and my reaction to them. This will be an honest confession of MY wrongs, against others, but more so myself. Bare with me...

Habit One:

Filling the void without healing the hurt. 

I started this habit at 18 and it's one of the most common trends I see around me. It doesn't matter if you're the dumpee or the dumpor, break ups take a toll on you. Period. I believe humans are co-dependent by nature. We are born that way and some of us grow out of it more than others. You get used to having your significant other there even if you aren't happy. If the relationship had any sort of longevity, this person knows many of your favorite things and your pet peeves, and you've probably even gotten comfortable enough to pee in front of them. You've invested time, money, and your heart. When it ends, there's a part of us that goes into panic mode: "Who am I going to tell about my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day now? Who am I going to send those ridiculous cat memes to all day long? Oh. My. Gah. I can't just pee in front of someone else...not ever again!" We all have our own different panic lists, but we all panic nonetheless. Ok, so the theory is we should all panic, hurt, grieve, heal, THEN find our new Pee Mate. The problem is, a lot of times we panic so much that we rush out and try and replace the empty feeling before we deal with all of the other steps. Big. Problem. Some people call this a "rebound." I don't care what you call it, I call it unhealthy or a bandaid. Want to know how I know? Because I'm 31 and single because every time I lost a Pee Mate I replaced him with a new one before healing on my own. I'm not saying that these relationships won't work out, I'm sure a few of them do, but they won't start on healthy ground. You absolutely have to fill the void within yourself before jumping into something new. It's unfair to you and your Bandaid otherwise. "Oh hi there Bandaid, I'm a lot of fun and reeeeeally loveable. My ex? Oh. We just didn't work out. I'm soooooo over it. Here can you hold all my baggage while I pee? K thanks." Un-freakin-fair. 

Habit Two:

Putting new Pee Mate on a pedestal and making him (or her) my main focus and priority. (Even at the expense of my sanity).

In other words, I study them harder than the SATs. I learn all their favorite everythings and make them feel spoiled. I've always done this, it's a starvation tactic I think. "I want you to love me so bad and so much that I'm going to make myself into what I think you'd love most." I basically become a groupie. I feel this is something I've always done because at the time I'm craving love so deeply. My heart was hurting and I fed the craving instead of working my way through the hurt. It's really shitty all around for so many reasons! My friends suffer because I suck at replying to text messages while in a relationship. My work suffers because I'm all consumed by this new Super Hot Better-Than-The-Last-One Bandaid. Mr Bandaid suffers because eventually I burn out and wake up one day and realize "I reeeeeeally hate your small little POS dogs waaaaay more than I thought I did, and now I resent you and despise them." Lastly, I suffer. That leads us into my third habit.  

Habit Three:

I suffer because I put every aspect of my life on hold trying to cling to something would probably have been fine on it's own had I been healthier in the first place. I do this because I'm craving love and wanting my void filled. I continue to tell Mr Bandaid about my goals, dreams, and aspirations, but I'm so busy trying to help him achieve his that I don't spend any time on mine. I stop running. I stop working on my books and blogs. I stop reading because I'm spending all my wind-down time listening to him talk about his horrible day, or figuring out what super awesome girl friend thing I can do for him next. I stop being everything that is me, everything that I love, because I have made him my focus. My last relationship was just under 3 years. At any given time I couldn't tell you what the last chapter was I had been working on in my book, but I could tell you every one of his decathlon PRs. I couldn't have told you how many miles I ran over any given month, but I knew his class schedule. You see where I'm going with this? Because I always put all of my eggs in a Bandaid's basket, their every move affects me. I'm sure you're reading this and probably thinking, "What a hot ass mess," and you know what, you would be right. Before.... Winds are changing. 

Honestly, my heart is still shattered. Six single months may not seem like a long time to you, but this is the longest I have been single in my adult life. This time, it's my choice. This time the hurt was so deep, and so debilitating the dating world seems unappealing. I've sampled it a bit here and there and met a few really nice guys, but I picked them apart, or I met some not so nice ones and they left on their own accord when they didn't get what they wanted. Here's what I'm realizing:

-I'm not ready. 

-I'm not healed. 

-I have too many bad habits. 

-Guys are horndogs. 

-Heartbreaks heal at a pace we don't have complete control over. 

So, now that I've unloaded lots of my crap on you, I bet you're wondering what the point of all this is. I'm breaking the habit. That's the point.... In theory most say it takes 21 days to break or start a habit. Well, I'm one stubborn and strong willed hot ass mess (just ask my mother), so I'm going to double it. Here's the declaration:

For the next 42 days my focus will be on me. My life, my goals, my dreams. I refuse to add another Bandaid to my life list. I will give myself more time to heal while tuning out the loud voice nagging at me to fill the void faster. I will spend time with my friends and family. I will do the things that I enjoy regularly because I enjoy them. I will be alone, not lonely, just alone. I will read at least 2 or 3 of the books I have been saving. (Mr King is calling my name right now in fact). I will write. I will run. I will focus on my job and getting to that next step that will so drastically change my life. I will learn to love myself. That's the biggest AH HA moment of them all you know...when we get rejected we tend to be pretty hard on ourselves. When you are repeatedly rejected you can begin to believe it. I used to be very self deprecating, but that's because I allowed someone else's opinion of me define my worth. That is just so wrong! I mean, I'm pretty awesome and if you're reading this you obviously are too. When you learn to love yourself just as you are the right person will love you back. I truly believe that. 

So 42 days of self focus and self improvement, that's a big deal. In fact, this is probably the biggest challenge I've ever placed upon myself. I'm committing to myself to break the bad habits while creating new and improved ones. I'm doing this for myself and my future Pee Mate who deserves a whole Jocelyn, not just the leftover pieces some asshole left behind. (Oops...my bad, my bitter is showing...guess I'll work on that too. I'm thinking yoga...). 

I challenge you to look at your own life, single or not. We all have self destructive habits that we would be better off without. Look on the bright side, you're not alone. I'm here fighting my way through this as well. We can be self improving cranky messes together!! At the end of the day (or 42 of them to be exact), maybe we will be where we need to be or maybe we won't, but we will be a lot closer than if we just sat back and continued the bad habit trend. I don't have all the answers and I also don't expect Mr Right/Prince Charming/Christian Bale to come knocking on my door on day 43. You see, this isn't about him. Not at all. This is about me! (Although, Mr. Bale, if you're reading this, you've had a place in my heart since Newsies, which is basically longer than any other man so ...you know where to find me.) As for now, consider this my declaration of being single and not ready to mingle. So there's that. 

The journey begins :)

If it's Not Broke Part 2

“Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.” 

― Khalil Gibran

   So, now what? Only a few days ago your life made perfect sense and now your insides are void of positive human emotions and your freezer is full of ice cream. Oh and to make matters worse, your heart has begun a full fledged game of the "What If's?" What if I could go back and make things a little easier? What if I had started working out? What if I had tried harder to please him/her? You think Cher is the only person that's ever wanted to turn back time? Not likely. My bruised/broken heart is the what if master! The worst part is when you pitch a tent in Denialville actually believing there is something you can undo. Holy shit we torture ourselves don't we?! For the purpose of what? Hope. The relationships that I fought for the hardest killed me the most because they dragged out so long. Why? Hope. When I walked away from my second marriage my heart hurt for my children, but it didn't break from the loss of the relationship, simply because for me, at the point we had arrived at, there was no more hope. We can't help but play what if when the person leaves us with a glimmer of hope, even if it's manifested in our own minds. That's the worst kind, false hope.
       
     Having hope is just a way of self-protecting. If we grant ourselves even the smallest glimmer of hope we prevent ourselves from having to completely absorb the hurt from the new break or bruise. In other words, we are just delaying the inevitable. What we don't realize is we are torturing ourselves just as much but putting ourselves through this false reality and battling with our own feelings of rejection. All these things are just human nature.

    With that being said, how do we speed up the process? You're not going to like it as much as I hate admitting it. You learn to let go, accept the heartache, absorb the pain and disappointment, and move forward. Now I don't expect miracles, so I say allowing yourself 24-72 of crying in the shower and consuming ridiculous amounts of Ben and Jerry's is acceptable. Avoid alcohol during the first few days, I shouldn't even have to give you all the reasons why. Take Foolish Games, Baby Come Back, and You'll Think of Me off of your playlist and add some upbeat motivating music. My playlist always varies as my taste changes but it has always had Stronger by Britney Spears, start there if you're lost for ideas. (Yes, I said Britney bitch).  Next, stop starting at your phone waiting for a text or phone call to fix it all, guess what, it's not coming. Get moving! Preferably outdoors, walk, run, jog, ride, something somewhere...

     You want the good news or the bad news? Well, you're getting both. The bad news is this probably isn't the last time you or I will hurt like this, that would be too easy. The good news is it gets better. Thoughts of taking your toaster in the bath will soon change into plans to better yourself. How do I know this? I have been used, abused, bruised and broken and some of the best things in my life have come out of these situations. Goals seem attainable, dreams seem just close enough to reach, and creativity has no limits. People tell me so often that I am the strongest person they've ever met and most of them know less than half of what I've been through. You know what? I laugh to myself when they tell me that, simply because very few see me at my low moments. What they see is when I wake up and realize life goes on.

      What I know is this, bad things will continue to happen, but so will good things. This is life. Roll with it. Accept it. Somehow, learn to embrace it. There will be moments when the world will seem very black and white, but don't close your eyes before the color returns, and it always does. I promise this Dorothy has always found her way back to OZ.

To Be Continued....(likely infinitely)

      

Wants v. Needs; Winning Disguised as Losing

"There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it."
-Oscar Wilde

Before you begin, read that quote again and really think about it. I'll come back to it at the end.

In the times we live in wants and needs have largely become defined as one in the same. The majority of Americans have become so spoiled by modern conveniences that we no longer want, we need. I am guilty of these feelings myself. Tomorrow is Monday morning and my first thought will likely be, "I need coffee." Do I need coffee? No, I would continue living and breathing without coffee, but I want coffee because it's delicious and takes the edge off. You see my point? Of course you do. Most would agree there are three basic, acceptable "needs," food, clothing, and shelter. I feel that there is a wild card that occasionally gets mentioned in songs etc, the fourth human need is love. (And there are at least four people that think all you need is love.) This is the need that's on my mind now, and the effect that it has on our choices. Now, this want v. need theory isn't quite the same in regards to relationships. In relationships, I believe, there are wants and needs, and confusing the two can really screw things up.

I'm going to take it a step farther and tell you a little bit about my journey and explain how wants disguised as needs can really send you down a rocky road. (Not the delicious kind either.) The stories I am about to share are all true, and some of them have taken me over a decade to talk about. I don't need to start at the very beginning because I don't feel it has too much impact on the topic. It's almost ironic because up until this year I could count the people that knew about what happened to me on one hand. My heartbreak I mentioned in the previous blog forced me to do a lot of soul searching and I started putting pieces together and eventually realized that one night really started it all.

When I was 18 years old I was on a work trip with many people my age and early twenties. The week before this trip, my boyfriend at the time cheated on me, and I found out from someone else. My heart was bruised (though I thought broken,) and I couldn't wait to get away. The company put us up in a hotel and we worked all day and then partied at night. I had never really experienced much of the party scene up until this point and was inexperienced with drugs and alcohol. How exactly it happened I'm not entirely sure, but one minute I was in a room with about 10 people drinking and smoking and the next minute I was sitting on a bed immobile and drunk. Next thing I knew, it happened. Everyone had left the room but one guy, and that night he took from me something no one should ever take. The worst part was, I was conscious enough to remember it all, including the sound of my voice sobbing and begging him to stop. I told no one. Afraid for my job, afraid to get in trouble for drinking and being underage, and ashamed. That night my views on sex and love had changed. Sex wasn't special, it was just sex, and sometimes even a chore, and love, well, love was something I didn't think existed anyway. I left that trip a cold, tainted, negative person with my first tattoo I had drawn the night after it happened, a shattered and broken heart with flames coming out.

Now here's the part where things got messy. Most of my understanding has been very recent, when I did the things I did, they were not intentional, I was going through the motions. Despite my lack of belief in love, it is one of the human needs so obviously I longed for it. However, now a relationship required more than just love. I not only needed love, but the next guy I dated had to make me feel safe, because you see, a part of me was extremely traumatized and I was almost afraid of men sometimes. I also wanted to be with someone that I knew wouldn't cheat on me, the only way to ensure that (if there even is such a thing) was to date down. Please remember I didn't know what I was doing at the time, hindsight really is 20/20. Shortly after returning home I began dating one of my managers that I knew was into me. He was over 6 ft tall, and just under 300 pounds, and came fully equipped with a closet full of Raiders jerseys. Very few men would be able to hurt me if I was with him, and at the time I was a cute little blue eyed, light brown haired, outgoing girl with a winning sense of humor...ha.

Fast forward 3 years, one break up, one make up and we got married. Fast forward another 5 months and my stuff was packed and I left with only what I could fit in my Civic while he was at work. So what happened? Why didn't I figure out I couldn't be with him before I married him? If he was what I wanted why didn't it work out? All of that back story was just to get to these questions, so I could tell you the answers, and why I believe so many people have long term relationships that initially seem so good and one day you feel like you are going to go completely bonkers if you pick up one more Q tip that he just can't seem to make into the trash can!

We need love, all of us. The trouble comes when we start to add stipulations to it that aren't permanent. How each of us shows and receives love is a little different. (Please read the 5 Love Languages for more information on this.) Here's what I'm trying to say, Husband #1 loved me, and I loved things about him. Did you catch that? The simple fact that I knew he loved me is what dragged our story out for so long. However, my needs for dating him in the first place lost value over time. Eventually I didn't believe every guy in Target was plotting to rape me in the garden department, and I had been comfortable living in the land of fidelity for almost 3 years. My "needs" changed. More accurately, my need was still love, a mutual love, but my wants changed. When those two things weren't a priority, it opened my eyes to all of the things he was doing to me or ways he was treating me that were wrong. In other words, I saw the relationship for what it really was, and the sad truth was my wants were being met, but my needs weren't. Had I figured this out then, it would have spared me a second divorce. Sadly, I repeated the process, but this time with different wants, which eventually lost value again.

So, how did I figure this out? By falling in love with someone when I didn't want anything. I was tapped out, dried up, all I needed was love. As time went on, I had the best relationship of my life. The bright side to all this heartache was without it, I wouldn't have been able to really know what I needed. I could sit here and list the things about my relationship that made it the best, but they are going to be unique to me. In order for you to have a successful relationship, you are going to have to sort through your own list of wants and needs, and be honest with yourself. If I wouldn't have found this special person, I don't know if I could have done that, because in some ways, I didn't know my needs until he kept meeting them. My theory behind that is I didn't know my needs, because I had a decade old secret, and every day after that I lost a little more of who I was, until on some level I didn't even know myself. I have learned more about myself in the past three months than I have my whole life.

The best advice I can give on how to figure all this out is:
Regardless of your current relationship status, write down 5-10 things that you feel you need out of a relationship. These can be qualities in a partners, mutual hobbies, emotional compatibility, etc. Don't think about it too much, just write the first things that come to your mind because those are likely the most important and likely honest. If you have more than 10 that's good! You know what you want, you're already ahead of most of us. Now one by one, go down your list focusing on each item and ask yourself if this was gone from my relationship in 5 years, but I still loved the person would I still be happy. The ones where you can answer yes, those are your wants. If you say no to any of those things then that becomes a need. Things that shouldn't be compromised or forgotten about. I'll give you an example of one of each for me to give you an idea.
Want-I want my partner to love the outdoors as much as I do.
Need-I need my partner to be my best friend.
It would be ideal if my partner liked to go to the mountains, the beach, and just be outdoors with me. However, if he only came along once and awhile I could live with that. Until my recent relationship I had never dated a guy that I felt was my best friend. This is one of the things I was telling you about that I wouldn't have known was a need without having it. I would not be happy in a relationship unless I felt that way, and that is something I am unwilling to compromise on.

This was a long one, but hopefully you learned something. Now if you remember the quote I began with, hopefully after reading this you can come up with an example or two of your own when getting what you wanted wasn't necessarily the best thing. My life has been filled with moments like that. I'd get an idea in my head and I'd fight for it throwing caution and rationality to the wind. The good news is now I'm aware of it, now I take a good look at each situation before jumping in blindly. It's a conscious effort, and I still screw it up, but I screw up a lot less than I did 5 or even 10 years ago. There's hope for us yet! My thought is that if I can help even just one person do things better than I did than it wasn't all for nothing. Part 2 of  "If it's not Broke..." coming soon. Hope you all have a great week!

If it's Not Broke.... Pt 1

"Hearts can break. Yes, hearts can break. Sometimes I think it would be better if we died when they did, but we don't." -Stephen King from "Heart in Atlantis"

or

"Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable." -Wizard of Oz

If heart breaks were uncommon they wouldn't be mentioned so frequently. From music, to poems, to novels, movies, TV shows, the list is endless and it is the one disease that every human suffers from at least once in their lifetime. This is a topic that will undoubtedly come up again and again, but for now I have a few thoughts on the matter.

First of all, sadly, some of you reading this are already recollecting your assumed heart breaks and commiserating along with me. At the ripe old age of 30 I have recently discovered that if you asked me at 29 how many heart breaks I had experienced, I would have thrown out a number somewhere between 10-15. Ask me today and I'll tell you my heart has truthfully been broken only once. The other assumed heart breaks I had experienced were nothing more than what I would refer to today as heart bumps and bruises. Allow me to explain: any time you make yourself vulnerable in the love department, and that relationship ends, whether mutually or by the element of surprise (i.e., "This isn't working out, it's not you it's me," "Umm, honey, who's lipstick is this on your shirt?" or my favorite, "I hate to do this to you after all this time, but I really need to do the right thing and stop screwing you on the side." Let me tell you, there are few things worse than finding out you are the side salad when you assumed you were the best damn filet that fool could get. At 18 I had deemed my heart broken so badly that I have a tattoo to show for it. Even that time was nothing more than my heart getting a TKO in one round with Muhammad Ali, bruised but not broken.

Ok, so now you are probably wondering, what is my definition of a heart break then? I think true heart break varies by person for sure. In my heart bruises, I cried for days, felt sick, thought I would never get over it, either ate or starved my feelings, wanted to disappear, tortured myself with pictures, had nightmares, and even tried fixing the situations out of desperation. (Hindsight has left me SO grateful I didn't have success mending any of those prior situations, ha.) The list goes on, the majority of which were all eventually healed with the help of friends, family, time, and Ben and Jerry. My heartbreak had all of those same symptoms, but there were some variations and certainly some additions, the first one being simply this, at a point in my life where I truly believed I had everything to live for and so much going for me, I wanted to die. The quote I began with by Stephen King really hit home when I read it a month or two after the Break. Let me be clear, I wasn't suicidal, it wasn't a desire to die in a literal sense at all actually. I was in such severe pain, physically, emotionally, and in every other way possible, that I just lost all desire for life. My world was rocked., no other way to describe it. It was like I was Dorothy starting out in Oz and got abruptly teleported to Kansas and suddenly my beautiful world was lacking color and a twister was headed straight for me. If you are one of the people who have experienced something like this then you know exactly what I'm talking about. It took about a week before I could even think or process normal thoughts, and one of the first things I realized was exactly what I'm telling you now, every other heartbreak was just a heartbruise in disguise. It was like a tragic epiphany! "Holy shattered dreams Batman! My heart was still completely in tact until now! Ka Baaaam!"

To Be Continued......

When the End is Actually the Beginning

"Very occasionally, if you pay really close attention, life doesn't suck." -Joss Whedon

I didn't really know how to start, instead of wasting time dwelling on it, I decided to jump in and see what happens. Before I could expect anyone to read anything I write, I suppose it would be appropriate to know a little about me. (At this point you should understand that 'a little about me' will just be the tip of the iceberg, the rest of me will have to come as we go along.) I woke up recently and found myself 30 years young. I'm not really sure how this tragedy happened without my ok, but nonetheless here we are. Alright, some of you argue, 30 is the new 20, PERFECT! Except, that doesn't change my situation in the least. I am a "single" mom, (the quotes are to be later defined as "it's complicated"), twice divorced, (Yes, twice), and have had a love life resembling an album compilation somewhere around the ballpark of Taylor Swift meets Adele meets P!nk with a large dose of Alanis Morissette. In other words, You Oughtta Know it's a Love Story that Set Fire to the Rain....huh, Who Knew?! (Isn't it Ironic? Ok, I'll stop). Back to the summary, from the first marriage I acquired the desire for a second marriage. From the 2nd marriage I acquired two amazing daughters, and an extra 50 lbs to my already 40 lb overweight frame. (I have since lost it all, TY Lord and Jillian Michaels). Since that divorce...or lack thereof as fate and the State of California would have it, (if they are going to make it so difficult to end a marriage don't you think it should be a little harder to get one?!), I have "dated" a player, a bartender, a guy with a Harley and more tattoos than regular skin, a "recovered" drug addict, a thumb war champion, and when I was ready to throw in the towel at 27 1/2 I fell in love with the sweetest guy I had ever come in contact with, he was kind, not tainted, caring, sensitive, attentive, (I'm going to spare you, but the list of his qualities could go on,) and he was aaaaaaalmost 20....but he adored me. To be honest I was at a point where it was easy for me to think that guys my own age (at every age) had screwed me over royally, and perhaps this was my answer. I don't want to get into this too much now, as this is the reason for the previously mentioned "it's complicated," but you can't understand where I'm at unless you know where I've been. So, there you have it. Now you know a little bit about where I've been, I can't wait to tell you where I'm going, and I'll share with you some pretty cool shit along the way. I'm just saying, if you find someone that has failed as many times as I have and is still smiling, I'd probably want to read what she has to say. True, I may not be able to tell you what to do in all situations, but more than likely, I can tell you what not to do.


Side Note--- 10 Things I am Known for:
1. Making jokes in uncomfortable situations
2. Saying "shit" more often than I should
3. Finding the Bright Side in almost any situation (which can get annoying, ask my friends)
4. Owning every color of the $8 Target tank top and wear them year round
5. Drinking Sugar Free Red Bull like water
6. I don't believe in strangers
7. I love birds. Yup, and not just like a little....
8. My cars are always falling apart
9. I have spent the last 4 years of my life almost always being on a mini diet
10. If I had a dollar for every time I wondered if I was on an episode of Punk'd in the last 5 years, I could buy Ashton Kutcher.

There you have it...the introduction into the life and mind of JFox....To Be Continued

-JFox