Blood, Wounds, and Cruise Control

"Alas! There are some wounds that cannot be wholly cured, " said Gandalf.
"I fear it may be so with mine," said Frodo. "There is no real going back....it will not be the same; for I shall not be the same."


I do believe some wounds never heal. Not really anyway. We just learn to adapt to them being there. They become a part of us just like a freckle upon our skin. Some are small and become almost unnoticeable to even the most keen eye. Sometimes we even forget they are there until something sparks an emotion within us and we are forced to be reminded, but even when that happens it's only like a little bee sting on the pain scale. However, some wounds are deep and we feel them daily. Life continues, but so does the hurt. We don't operate quite the same as we did before because fierce pain changes us. We guard the part of ourselves that has been wounded and it requires an unimaginable level of trust for these parts to be shared with another. We go on because unfortunately, we don't die from a broken heart. This doesn't mean we are incapable of love. It simply means that we have to be more selective and cautious while waiting for the one who isn't afraid of our bleeding wounds. Wounds don't mean you're broken, they mean you've been broken and survived. You're still capable of loving and being loved, you will just love differently next time. That's ok, no two loves are the same and that's the way it should be. I myself, have wounds of all shapes and sizes, and only one or two still bleed, and I expect they will for quite some time. Perhaps, in some ways, forever. They didn't kill me, I'm still breathing, and they don't scare me. The size and severity of the wound is directly proportionate with how great you loved. The good news about that is my last wound is the largest and most painful. Lots. Of. Blood.  (I bet that doesn't sound like good news does it?) The reason why that's beautiful is because that means my other previous wounds didn't stop me from loving an extraordinary amount. I'm not broken, I'm just bleeding. I'm fully capable of loving again, and even harder, when the time is right, blood and all. I think the world has us running around seeking this illusive thing called closure. It took me my entire adult life to finally realize that sometimes there is no such thing. There is just moving on, with or without blood. Recognizing that there is no humongous, bullet-proof door that closes off the pain can be one of the most liberating things. It is ok to hurt, do you understand what I'm saying? You don't need to coast through life on cruise control with tunnel vision blocking out the world just waiting for a door to slam so you can have your Jerry Maguire Free Fallin' moment. Have that moment now! Get your Tom Cruise on! (That is the one and ONLY time I will ever say that.) Hurt. Cry. Laugh. Sing. All of the above in any order until the blood doesn't scare you anymore. The sooner you accept and embrace your bleeding wounds, the sooner you will find someone else who does as well, and loves you BECAUSE of them. I believe this with all my heart. So turn off that cruise control and put the pedal to the metal! Live. As soon as you start living again, love will find it's way back to you. I'll bet my heart on it.

Looking Up from Rock Bottom

Alice: How long is forever?
White Rabbit: Sometimes, just one second.
-Lewis Carrol

Have you every felt that way? Stuck in a moment that may only be a very small portion of time, but to you it feels as if it will last an eternity? The harsh reality in that is if you said yes, it was likely a painful moment, because the happy moments never seem to last long enough. If you're reading this maybe you're experiencing a time like that right now, let me assure you that you are not alone. I don't know what your pain is, but I know pain, and with the exception of a visit to the chiropractor or an aggressive massage therapist, it's not enjoyable. When life seems to have left you broken and empty handed, it's imperative to guard your thoughts. In fact, I believe the length of our pain and helplessness is directly related to our mindset. As always, let's take a look into the life of JFox for explanation...

My Fresh Wound: The conclusion of a 3 year relationship with someone I loved very deeply on a level I had never experienced, who was also my best friend, we'll call him Sam (to protect the innocent). The person I said good morning and good night to every day and who knew me better than anyone on the planet, simply because he was the first person I really let know me. Although the process of closure began slightly earlier for Sam than it did for me, I wasn't even close to being prepared to find out he was already involved with someone new, and that information hurt me far worse than I imagined it would. (Destructive self-talk alert! Am I really that easy to get over? Don't EVEN go there.) The worst part about it is I didn't know how to deal with this type of break-up. You see, regardless if I was the dumper or the dumpee, I've never had a relationship end where I didn't feel a sense of relief knowing that the guy was an asshole or a loser, or something of that nature. Nope not this scenario at all. Neither of us hated the other, quite the opposite in fact, we loved each other very much. Without going into too much detail, I'll just say our relationship was geographically-challenged and call it a day. So you see, I had no justification. It's so much easier to move on from an asshole than a Sam, let me tell you.

Recent Bumps and Bruises: Backstory: I don't have a lot of friends. (There's a backstory to that too, but let's just get through one back at a time). I have two that I'd consider my "best friends" besides Sam. Within the past several months my relationships with both of them were greatly lessened due to circumstances beyond my control. It's no one's fault, it's just life.

Now to many outsiders, this may not seem like a "Rock Bottom," but I assure you my life has plenty of other struggles that don't merit mentioning. However, it is the above mentioned recent occurrences that finally broke me. What's truly amazing about that is that I can specifically think of at least 3 other times in my life where I thought I was in a Rock Bottom state and they don't compare to how I felt just a few weeks ago.

I relied heavily on these three people to keep my head above water when I needed comfort, a laugh, or to feel loved and valued. (Co-dependent much?) The people that I had chosen to depend on in so many ways were no longer available to me as they had been before. In some ways I had never felt more alone. There were a few nights where I held my phone and just stared at it, waiting for who knows what and just let the tears fall. I wanted to call Sam and discuss my lack of communication with my friends, and I wanted to call my friends and grieve over my loss of Sam. Even as I type this I am instantly flooded with hurt because it is so easy to put myself back in those moments. Those forever second moments. Sleep was a constant struggle, because without those comfortable and familiar outlets I allowed myself to internalize everything. My mind was on overdrive and my thoughts affected my mood and attitude. The good news is, this wasn't abnormal behavior for me, and I recognized it pretty quickly. I spent one full day in pajamas forgetting to eat because I had no appetite. One full day of off and on tears and release. One full day of crying to anyone who would listen.
 
   "Jocelyn, pity party of one, your couch is now ready."
   "Thank you what are the specials tonight?"
   "Tonight the chef's specials are a grilled heart shish-ka-bob with a demi whine glaze and a generous portion of bruised ego. For dessert, a break-up à flambé with a scoop of rocky road. Can I offer you drink while you wait?"
   "Sure, I'll have one of each."

So what changed? I didn't gorilla glue my heart back together over night, but I decided to stop the torture. You can read more about that specific process here, right now I want to explain the outcome. In short, I changed my mindset. I thought about every time I had every been hurt and how I always handled it improperly. I realized that for a forever long second I felt like everything had been taken from me, (which is an extreme exaggeration to say the least, but you know how pity parties go), and I gathered I had a few options... I could continue this pity party for awhile, been there done that, have a drawer full of t-shirts. I could attempt to stuff the pain down by finding a male replacement, old habits die hard. I could attempt to numb the pain in several different ways, which usually backfire and lead to drunken phone calls you don't remember having and texts messages you can't unsend. Or, I could accept it for exactly what it is, without an explanation or an acceptable and valid reason, I am in this moment. So I did just that. I stopped asking why, because frankly, I don't think the why exists yet. Sometimes we don't get our whys for a long time, (a forever second). But those un-known whys now, are life's "Ah HA!" moments later. I realized God or the universe (whatever higher power you choose to believe in), was trying to teach me something. I was supposed to feel alone simply because I wasn't comfortable with it. I knew right then, I had work to do.

So, I changed my focus. For the past seven days every time I thought of Sam and felt that horrible feeling like someone is squeezing your insides (and appears to be getting stronger with each heart ache), I made myself think two positive thoughts immediately. Sounds like some sort of cheesy advice from a sitcom therapist, but that's what I did. I refused to allow myself to take a step back without taking two steps forward. Every time I wanted to cry over what I had lost, I made myself think about everything I still have. You want to know what else I did? I made myself mentally list all my strengths, gifts and things I like about myself. For some people, that is a task they do daily, (sometimes I'm amazed with how much people like themselves "bathroom mirror selfie"). For me, it's life's greatest challenge. I used to think I was just extremely humble and that's why it was so difficult for me to accept a compliment. I have discovered that was not the case, but that's a whole other blog entirely.

As my mindset began to change, so did things around me. I found I had people in my life supporting me and cheering me on that I didn't even realize cared so much. I thought about what I wanted my life to be, and what I really wanted to do. Over the past seven days I can't even begin to list everything beautiful that has happened to me, but I want to tell you about the first thing that happened that gave me peace and comfort in knowing I was going to be ok.

Last Sunday ranked pretty highly on my list of the most painful days of my life. However Sunday night, (or early Monday morning if you want to be technical), was when I started changing my mindset.  Backstory: I started this blog over a year ago when I realized I really had been through some shit, and survived. I knew I needed to share my story with people, because if I could help just one person then all my pain, struggles, and hurts weren't for nothing. I didn't yet realize what that meant for my life or how huge of a roll it would play. Monday morning a friend of mine that I had met about a year ago sent me a text. (The beautiful irony- we met because both of our significant others live in the same town. I knew his girlfriend and she asked if I would bring him with me the next time I visited. After several 10 hour round-trips you get to know a person pretty well, and he is a great person.) We hadn't seen or really even talked to each other in a very long time. He had no idea what had been progressing in my life that week or the previous few months. He simply texted me about a photo shoot. (Yes, yes, I'm a jack of all trades, master of none-for now). I was excited for the opportunity to do something positive that I enjoy, but the conversation didn't end there. He said several things that really woke me up and got my ass off of the pity party couch (I passed on dessert just FYI). He told me he had never met someone like me, that I was rare. He told me that he had learned a lot from me and that I helped him become a better version of himself.  I was floored. I looked up-I may have been flat on my face at Rock Bottom five minutes ago, but I was up to my knees now. He then told me that diamonds are made under intense pressure and are in turn, indestructible. That I am the way I am because of what I've been through, not despite it.

You see, he didn't know my pain. He didn't know he would say exactly what I needed to hear, but God did. The next 48 hours were incredible. My wheels began turning and I began to see with such clarity the path laid out before me. In fact, I had been casually walking that path already, I was just too blind to really see the full potential. For years I have had people tell me over and over, "You're one of the strongest people I know," and truthfully I thought it was complete crap. Not in the aspect of them not believing that to be true, but that they didn't know how often I broke down and cried. I didn't feel strong in the least, I just survived like everyone else, and that wasn't enough to make a difference to anyone. However, he said three words that really impacted my life, he said, "You helped me." There was power in that! Yes, I'm broken! Yes, I've failed repeatedly! Yes, my heart aches for a lost love! Yes, I've been dealt a few shitty hands! Yes, I make mistakes! Yes, I still struggle! But, by God I helped someone! Those words lit a fire that won't burn out. Like I said, I could not begin to list every other positive thing that has taken place since I received those texts from him, but I was consistently reaffirmed of two things; A: I was going to be ok. B: I was finally, (finaaaaaaaaallyyyyyyy), on the right track. I have the right people in my life that need to be here and I have everything I need to be happy already inside of me.

Basically it comes down to this, I had to be broken. It was necessary. I needed a mouth full of gravel from the bottom of all the Rock Bottoms to wake me up. Even as I sit here now it occurs to me, I didn't lose everything. Sam isn't gone, he isn't mine, but he never really was. The ways he changed my life are still relevant, hurt doesn't erase that. As for my friends, they are still my friends. Perhaps we don't talk every day, but maybe that's so I can hear my own thoughts more often. Sometimes when we hurt it's just easier to stay in that place. Growth is hard.
   "The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them." -Albert Einstein (It shouldn't take a genius to figure that out, but in this case....)
The only way we can overcome our struggles is by truly seeking what we are supposed to learn from them. Make your hurt have a purpose as I am doing. I could really have two very different attitudes right now. I could say, "that was the hardest, worst, and most painful week of my life to date," or "that was the best week for my future." You see Rock Bottom isn't a negative thing, not in the least! As I have begun to claw and climb my way back up it is so completely obvious that for me, I had to experience that feeling. I had to be desperate. I had to go through every single emotion I experienced, and feel that lowest low for a forever second. If I hadn't, how could I help those down there? I couldn't, not really, I wouldn't be able to completely understand your pain. Like I said, everyone has different situations that got them there, but the journey back up from the bottom isn't much different. Let's make the climb together shall we?

Check back soon for my next blog-The Three R's to a Better Life.
*Find me on Facebook, JFox Tales: Life in the Fox Hole*

Embrace the Hurt to Feel Better

"You can close your eyes to the things you don't want to see, but you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel." -Johnny Depp

You've been there, you know the feeling...Hurt, the kind that causes you to drop to your knees, lay on the floor or curl into a ball and weep (or at least wish you could). The world is temporarily upside down and time momentarily stands still. Part of you wants to throw up, the other part is making verbal ultimatums to a higher power swearing off your biggest vices if the pain will just cease. No guys, I'm not talking about a kick in the crotch, I'm talking about internal pain, the kind that leaves invisible scars.   You find yourself doing a quick recap of your life and all the painful moments and trying to put this new pain in it's place, 'Ah yes, it's worse than when good ol' Sparky died, but not quite as bad as when my fiance backed out two days before the wedding.' The scary part is, that first initial sting you feel is only the beginning. I have always sort of envisioned it like being shot with an arrow, that first hit is going to bring some tears, probably a few (several) bad words, but our mind is so powerful and it goes into auto-pilot mode and releases shock and denial as a way to self-protect. If we were forced to really absorbs the hurt from some situations all at once, we might just explode.

Here is where things get messy. Have you ever visited Denialville? It's a large town with nice people, great views, and an abundance of happily-ever-afters. Frankly, it's comfortable. Who wouldn't want to stay here awhile? Denial gives relief from the hurt, and a false sense of hope. So, instead of pressing on through Denialville and pulling out the Arrow of Hurt, we hang out here for awhile. We take a few strolls down Memory Lane, toss a few pennies in the Fountain of What Should Have Been and drive up to the Wishful Thinking Lookout-what a view! The time we spend here varies by person and circumstance. I personally have a frequent visitor punch card to the What If Cafe. There are several problems with Denialville, but the biggest one is simply that while you are there visiting, the rest of the world continues to go on as normal. School, work, family, friends, life, it all just keeps moving forward. Then, by the time you decide to leave Denialville, you are playing catch up. So my advice? Familiarize yourself with what denial sounds and looks like, and drive right on through. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

So now what? It's time for the Arrow of Hurt to be removed. This is the moment where it's time to embrace the hurt. You have to look yourself in the mirror and be honest with yourself. Yup, this is gonna hurt, yup, this is gonna leave a scar, yup, my life is going to be altered right here, right now because of this hurt. Really understand what I'm saying, when this moment of debilitating pain lessens and you can again think clearly, you will not be the same person you were before you were shot down in a blaze of glory. Change is inevitable, it's what happens when something gets broken. Ready to yank on that Arrow? No you say? Ah yes, silly me, I forgot that ginormous Straightjacket of Fear that we pull out of the closet so frequently. Do you even realize how hard it is to coordinate an outfit around that hideous thing?!

The only thing more paralyzing than heartache is fear. I don't want to go too deeply into this because Fear is a subject worthy of it's own blog or 10. There is just simply so much that we are afraid of that we don't even realize. However, in regards to the arrow removal, the overwhelming fear isn't the pain itself, it's the unknown. We like security, comfort, and familiarity. Thoughts like, 'how will I live without this person,' cause us to wonder and worry about our future and force us to focus on the uncomfortable. Fact of the matter is I can't tell you how you will live without that person, I can just assure you that you can. YANK AWAY!

So now you've got Denialville in the rearview mirror and fear is that splatter of bug guts on the windshield. Turn on the wipers and take a look out into the unknown. Focus on your dreams, goals, and the things that give your life meaning and embrace the hurt. Throw the arrow out the window (the only time I will give you permission to litter), and allow yourself to feel. Feel the hurt, the betrayal, the heartache, even the fear....allow it to happen, accept that it's a process. The Arrow of Hurt has been removed, but those stitches take some time to heal. Can I give you a little bright side? You will be well on your way to nearly good as new while most people are still crashing at the Extended Stay in Denialville.

I can't tell you how long the hurt will stay, how long it will take until food tastes good again, or how long it will take until you look in the mirror and believe it when you tell yourself you are going to be ok. What I can tell you is that hurt is healthy, feeling is normal, and pain is temporary and you will be ok. Absolutely, without a doubt you will be ok. Keep saying it until it is your truth. Eventually the day will come where your hurt will be able to help someone else through theirs, and that is a beautiful thing.

"If there is no struggle, there is no progress." -Frederick Douglass

If it's Not Broke Part 2

“Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.” 

― Khalil Gibran

   So, now what? Only a few days ago your life made perfect sense and now your insides are void of positive human emotions and your freezer is full of ice cream. Oh and to make matters worse, your heart has begun a full fledged game of the "What If's?" What if I could go back and make things a little easier? What if I had started working out? What if I had tried harder to please him/her? You think Cher is the only person that's ever wanted to turn back time? Not likely. My bruised/broken heart is the what if master! The worst part is when you pitch a tent in Denialville actually believing there is something you can undo. Holy shit we torture ourselves don't we?! For the purpose of what? Hope. The relationships that I fought for the hardest killed me the most because they dragged out so long. Why? Hope. When I walked away from my second marriage my heart hurt for my children, but it didn't break from the loss of the relationship, simply because for me, at the point we had arrived at, there was no more hope. We can't help but play what if when the person leaves us with a glimmer of hope, even if it's manifested in our own minds. That's the worst kind, false hope.
       
     Having hope is just a way of self-protecting. If we grant ourselves even the smallest glimmer of hope we prevent ourselves from having to completely absorb the hurt from the new break or bruise. In other words, we are just delaying the inevitable. What we don't realize is we are torturing ourselves just as much but putting ourselves through this false reality and battling with our own feelings of rejection. All these things are just human nature.

    With that being said, how do we speed up the process? You're not going to like it as much as I hate admitting it. You learn to let go, accept the heartache, absorb the pain and disappointment, and move forward. Now I don't expect miracles, so I say allowing yourself 24-72 of crying in the shower and consuming ridiculous amounts of Ben and Jerry's is acceptable. Avoid alcohol during the first few days, I shouldn't even have to give you all the reasons why. Take Foolish Games, Baby Come Back, and You'll Think of Me off of your playlist and add some upbeat motivating music. My playlist always varies as my taste changes but it has always had Stronger by Britney Spears, start there if you're lost for ideas. (Yes, I said Britney bitch).  Next, stop starting at your phone waiting for a text or phone call to fix it all, guess what, it's not coming. Get moving! Preferably outdoors, walk, run, jog, ride, something somewhere...

     You want the good news or the bad news? Well, you're getting both. The bad news is this probably isn't the last time you or I will hurt like this, that would be too easy. The good news is it gets better. Thoughts of taking your toaster in the bath will soon change into plans to better yourself. How do I know this? I have been used, abused, bruised and broken and some of the best things in my life have come out of these situations. Goals seem attainable, dreams seem just close enough to reach, and creativity has no limits. People tell me so often that I am the strongest person they've ever met and most of them know less than half of what I've been through. You know what? I laugh to myself when they tell me that, simply because very few see me at my low moments. What they see is when I wake up and realize life goes on.

      What I know is this, bad things will continue to happen, but so will good things. This is life. Roll with it. Accept it. Somehow, learn to embrace it. There will be moments when the world will seem very black and white, but don't close your eyes before the color returns, and it always does. I promise this Dorothy has always found her way back to OZ.

To Be Continued....(likely infinitely)

      

The Veruca Syndrome-I want it NOW!!!

"I want the world. I want the whole world. I want to lock it all up in my pocket. It's my bar of chocolate. Give it to me now." -Veruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Don't we all get infected with this feeling from time to time? I'm calling it the Veruca Syndrome, and it's a nasty one. You see it comes in all form and many different levels of intensity. It can be over material things, actions we expect from others, or in the worst cases it's simply feeling like you want it all which can be intensified by the impression that you deserve it. The Veruca Syndrome is ugly and very real and unfortunately it's my belief that we all suffer from it. Definition: Selfishness.

Before you get your panties in a bunch and get defensive allow me to elaborate. I am certainly not implying that if we all suffer from the Veruca Syndrome that we are incapable of doing selfless deeds, I am aware that people everywhere are doing extremely selfless things on a daily basis and that is a beautiful thing, however I am fully confident that as human beings it is undeniable that we are born selfish and it takes more effort to overcome selfish feelings and instincts than almost any other negative emotion or action out there. We are born dependent on others for our survival and that is the beginning of it all. Now I'm left having to explain to my 7 year old why she can't have an iPhone even though some kids in her class do. (While I am picturing some little Veruca out there batting her eyelashes at her daddy saying, "I want one daddy, now!" Sucker.) 

So what sparked my desire to write on this topic? Over the weekend I went to visit a friend out of town, in my sisters car which gets far better gas mileage than my POS (and also has a bumper that is properly attached AND power steering to boot!). It was cold and rainy and we were out running errands and he mentioned that a friend of his had lost his car keys in the park. Hushing the Veruca voice in the back of our heads telling us to stay warm and dry, we drove out to the park in search of his friends keys. We parked on the outskirts where they had been days before, and there was only one other truck there. I briefly glance over and see the cab of the truck is filled with questionable smoke-like substance, but my gut says don't look, if you leave them alone they'll leave you alone. We leave the car and walk around the large shrubbery to the clearing and begin looking. As mentioned it was misty and raining, so I left my $400 purse (from the days when I had money haha) and my iPhone in the car so it wouldn't get ruined. We were never farther that 30 yards from the car and walked around for ten minutes. We heard a loud noise resembling gun shots or a car backfire and waited a minute or two before heading back to the car. The scene we arrived upon was nothing short of devastating, a completely shattered passenger window, and all of my things gone in 60 seconds. Including the cash in my wallet that I had just been paid that was meant for Christmas presents for my family and my two little girls. Sucker punch to the heart. 

Do you think the two guys knew for a minute that they were stealing from a single mom sometimes barely getting by, currently with $20 in the bank, a car that runs on hopes and dreams, and no gifts for her children for Christmas? No. What's worse, do you think they even cared? No! The Veruca voice was so loud in their stoned little heads that all they cared about was the fact that they wanted it, NOW. It's been almost 4 days and they haven't been caught yet, although the authorities do have their pictures from Walmart where they attempted to use my debit card to the tune of $300, haha I wish I had that much in there. I'm beginning to accept the fact that more than likely they won't be caught, nor held accountable for their actions and I am left picking up the pieces and realizing we live in a world of Verucas and its going to get worse. 

I don't need to describe all of the emotions I am feeling because chances are you have experienced something like this, we have all had things taken from us. I don't have a solution, I am 30 years old with a grand total of 6 college units from a Political Science and photography class. I can't save the world, none of us can. I have spent the last 48 hours forcing myself to not be bitter, reminding myself that things will work themselves out, that even with so much taken from me I still have so much more. This message isn't for the purpose of venting or whining over my recent misfortune at all. This is a plea to all who will read it. For victims affected by some Veruca out there, don't allow yourself to be hardened, don't look at your misfortune as an excuse to act similarly with others now feeling like you are entitled to it. Do the opposite. My friend graciously gave me $40 so I wouldn't have to drive home with no money and the first thing I did after getting a cup of gas station coffee for the drive was give $2 to the first homeless person I saw on a corner. Why? Not so I could sit here and tell you about it. Not even close. I did it so I could remind myself that I never want to be infected with a full case of Veruca. I never want to get so bitter that I forget that others have it worse. I will choose to keep giving and keep believing that for every bad case of Verucaitice there is someone like myself out there fighting the disease. Fight with me. Gandhi said, "Be the change you want to see in the world." So be it. I'll end with one of my favorite anonymous quotes that I try and live by daily, "Practice random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty."